Disingenuous {What It REALLY Means and Why It Hurts People}

We are called to live a genuine, sincere life. When we turn to making excuses then people around us get hurt. It’s easy to let emotion cloud our best judgment in a situation, but God’s people are called to be sincere and genuine.

We are not supposed to make decisions that lend themselves to the opportunity to then make excuses. When we commit we should keep our commitment or at least fully explain why we can not. “I’m too busy” is something we should all know before we ever accept. And that then-later “too busy” looks like an excuse for certain when people see something else being taken on that shoves a previous commitment to the side only to become a burden for everyone involved.

Then things can turn from bad to worse. When those excuses become dangerous is when they become the death of a relationship. And with the person being “one way” in private but then “another way” in public, it becomes the death of trust. It can become so bad that the person doesn’t see the pain they are inflicting and it all becomes very hurtful. Then come the excuses for hurting. This “one way” in private and “another way” in public is living disingenuous.

The real definition for that word is this:
not candid or sincere.

So we go to them in hopes of salvaging a relationship because they’ve hurt us by misconstruing things. We give them yet another chance even inside our pain.

When someone you think you can trust understands with clarity that what they did hurts you and they still make excuses instead of fully apologize, you continue to be hurt by less than sincere words.

Many of those people speak of it publicly allowing people to think lies about you then it takes it to a whole other level. And the hurt they cause is blinded to them because they participated in excuses so long that they believe they are right.

This is the moment we can have peace about dusting off our shoes and moving on.

Why make excuses – even small ones – that can certainly start to look dishonest when they compound? Why not keep our word and commitment? Why take everything to a level that someone else never meant, putting words in their mouth? All one has to do is ask for something to be clarified instead of making something out to be something else entirely. We can look like a fool rather quickly doing that.

Let’s take time to discuss and ask things as Believers instead of jumping to conclusions that can seriously hurt others.

Let’s not misrepresent them to others for self-gratification.

Let’s not let others speak untruths about them just to make ourselves feel better when we KNOW THE REAL TRUTH about the person.

And let us put the pain of being hurt by those who do these things to us in a place of trusting God. Because He knows the ultimate truth. No, this isn’t at all easy. It isn’t easy at all.

We are asked to speak the truth. Should we not?

Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. ~ Ephesians 4:25 HCSB

***********

I write this today because I have been very hurt by someone I had trusted for quite a long time. Although for more than 6 months I had seen these excuses building and I grew leary of trusting, I decided to continue giving the benefit of trust from my vantage point. It turns out the excuses turned into more excuses with no sincere apology and the disingenuous (not candid or sincere) factor became evident. Make no mistake – I was VERY hurt and conveyed this to a person I thought I could trust. This person took everything I said to a level that misconstrued it to put words in my mouth I never said. They chose to be offended by something I never said. A relationship was lost over it. And now I ask myself: Should I have bothered to try to straighten out what this person misconstrued about me? Should I have even tried to speak to them in private about how they had hurt me and those around us? Is it worth it?

I still don’t have the answers. But one thing I do know is that it hurt to have someone let others make false accusations about me that I know God knows are not true. She even let people on her social media wall attack me. One called me a “hater”… with a hashtag #hatersgonnahate. A hashtag even. She didn’t defend the fact she knows I’m not. She didn’t delete it.

That was just one of the things I was made aware of. That is a painful knife in the back, friends, to this girl who tries so extremely hard to love others. When someone does not care that they hurt you, it’s obvious. I think excuses are awful when they cause pain.

I did decide to forgive this person right away. She is a fellow Christian, but even if she hadn’t been I’d still forgive.

It still hurts though. Obviously. But forgiveness will help heal my heart. Even if she and others choose to call me a “hater”, I choose to forgive.

I tell you what I learned though: I will not trust her or anyone so quickly ever again. We can never know what lurks behind an ego.

Social media can be great and it can be awful. I couldn’t stand the pain ~ and if you have read much of my blog then you know that stress like this causes the body pain to increase drastically. I won’t be on social media for a while. It’s just better for the heart right now. It’s shattered but God always heals.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Disingenuous {What It REALLY Means and Why It Hurts People}

  1. imconfident says:

    People have hurt me greatly with their words and spread gossip, and before I asked the Holy Spirit to come and live in me, I just wanted to get even. But I understand now that we live in a broken world and satan works overtime to get between people and damage their relationships. When people hurt me now, I pray for them and ask God to help mend their broken minds and hearts. If people believe lies about me, that is their problem. I know that God knows the truth and He is the only one who matters. Yes God always heals if we believe in Him!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      Oh you have learned the key I have, Brenda! As Chuck says below this comment, it is still hard not to be offended, but it is what we do with that offense. We should protect ourselves and trust God to do that, but not through malice and a vengeful heart. We should expect this sadly, because as you said, Satan thrives on getting people to fail in these ways. The whispers are loud. But God is always there if we just listen to Him instead. Bless you dear, Sister.

      Like

  2. Patty B says:

    I too have been hurt by “friends” and the hardest part was to wipe the dust of friendship from my shoes and move on. But at times that is what we are to do and with the strength of the Holy Spirit we are able to do it. And He is with as we heal and put the pieces back together again, learning to forgive and pray for those who hurt us. God will bring healing and growth and forgiveness. That is my prayer for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      Patty, you always say the most beautiful things and I love your heart for trying to see the Lord’s will every time. People don’t make it easy, for certain, but leaning on His ultimate friendship is the key. You said it perfectly – He is with us as we heal. Amen to that! Thank you for the prayers. They will help. :)

      Like

  3. Chuck Farley says:

    Heather … This seems to be a pretty common theme these days. The enemy is doing a bang-up job bringing division; within the church and between the church and the world. Although I have a great aversion to using single verse solutions since the Bible is a narrative and not a list of do’s and don’ts, this one was a life changer for me. It was shared with me years ago (by someone I did not particularly like btw) and for some reason has stuck with me. It has helped me to find and give grace in situations that I previously could not. (I could not stay on social media without it)
    Psalm 119:165″ Great peace have they who love Your law; nothing shall offend them or make them stumble.
    Of course I still take offense, but I have learned to let it go much more easily and gives me patience to restore relationships. (and as I type this, I am reminded of some situations I need to address before they get out of hand)
    Blessings to you sister and I will pray that God will bring about healing and restoration in even the most difficult of relational situations, The miracle or Jesus was not on the cross but in the empty tomb. He delights in leading us into a resurrected life and resurrected relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      It is easier for me to forgive now in my life then years ago for the very reason you discussed here, Chuck. If not for giving things to God – really going to him with complete trust – and asking for His help even to forgive, I would not know how to function in these situations. I’d be angry for much longer. Instead I really feel pity for the mind and heart of such people who choose to be offended so often. In this case, I’d been noticing for quite a long time that her own blog was mostly ranting about certain things she found offensive. I only commented of course on the posts which were not like that and productive. It was a sad thing to watch. Of course I stopped following and reading yesterday after her post about me was just all arrogance and then of course untruths about me. Believe me, I tried to make things better from my vantage point, but she refused to apologize and refused to see how much she hurt me by the things she said. I kept giving the benefit of the doubt to her over the last 8 months in the ministry team, but she continued her bent. Now, even though her rant about me on FB became dangerous and hateful language which I am contending with, I feel sorrow for her trapped mind and heart. The enemy got a foothold and that is something I pray she wakes up to. God can restore as you said. And amen to that! But she must be open to seeing what He wants her to see.

      Blessings to you to, Brother, for your wonderful encouragement and prayers. I appreciate your love filled response. And we agree on that which is the ENTIRE Word of God to be searched as the entirety of God. May your day be filled with surprise miracles and blessings. :)

      Like

  4. writerwannabe763 says:

    I was hurt by fellow Christians many years ago, but the more I tried to straighten thing out, the more complex it seemed to get. It doesn’t help to go into it, except to say that even though forgiveness is of course the key, the healing does take some time. There will still be times the hurtful thoughts come to your mind… and as quickly as they come get rid of them with God’s help…. and in Jesus’ name… Diane

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cheryl Smith says:

    Bless your dear heart, Heather! I am SO sorry you have had to endure this pain. There is nothing so hurtful as having a sister or brother in Christ inflict such injury to one’s heart. It just seems to add salt to the wound to know that people can do this in the name of Christianity and still feel that they are “okay” with the dear Lord. It hurts to the core. I, too, have felt this sting, and I can honestly understand exactly where you are coming from. You will be okay, my dear friend, for Jesus is with you, and He is riding out the storm right by your side. And there are lots of us out here who care and are in your corner. I am praying for you, and I appreciate you. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      Thank you so much Cheryl for your prayers and your beautiful comment. I was hit hard lately… A spiritual battle… It’s kind of kept me from writing and I’m just not sure which direction to turn on some things, but I really appreciate the comments I received from loving people like you. So thank you so much!

      Like

I Would Love to Hear Your Thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s