The Edge of Everything: The One Thing That Brought Me To My Knees {NO ONE KNEW}

I was standing on the curb that day. The sun was shining. Laughter and voices filled the air. High school was out for the day, and I was standing somewhere in middle space – half way between “here” and the outer extremes. I was standing on the curb, but in my mind, I was actually teetering on that curb that bright sun shiny day ready to fall with the slightest whisper. NO ONE KNEW.

And the whispers came…

“I could step off this curb in front of that car coming up the street. No one would care. No one would miss me. No one loves me.” NO ONE KNEW.

“No one would miss you.” There was that voice again.

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I was standing next to a friend at the time, and it was his mom we were waiting on that was driving that car up that street next to that curb. He didn’t know. She didn’t know. NO ONE KNEW.

That curb. The one holding on for dear life of my beating heart. The one which I felt dissolving under my feet.

That wasn’t the first time I had danced with death in a prelude to the Edge of Everything. Everything that told me I was unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unworthy, un-me.

That wouldn’t be the last time either. I didn’t tell anyone in the moment. I rarely trusted anyone to tell them I even had those thoughts. Can I just call them what they are? They aren’t really thoughts. Sure, that’s what medicine labels them as. That’s what those who can’t fathom them label them as. That’s what Everything labels them as.

But they aren’t just thoughts.

They are the reality of a middle space that occupies a dying soul that has no hope.

I was in the middle of nothing listening to Everything. The reality for me that day was One Step. Just one. Right off that curb to …

“What exactly comes after this life? Am I really sure that there is anything beyond this? Would I truly be happier?”

Those are the questions the soul asks even if the mind doesn’t speak that language.

They are the same questions every soul asks when it is so close to death that it teeters on the Edge of Everything.

Maybe you are teetering on the Edge. Maybe you have in the past. Maybe, just maybe, your Everything Edge is the line you walk every day of your life. Your Everything… what is it?

“I am no good for my family.”
“Everyone could get along fine without me, even better.”
“I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
“I can’t get anything right with my spouse.”
“LIFE IS JUST TOO HARD.”

But then…

There are THOSE questions. The ones that your soul asks.

“What is on the other side of this life? What is next? This can’t be all there is. That would be going from pain to pain. It just can’t be.”

NO ONE KNEW. And I am certain that someone – maybe many someones – are reading this who could say the same thing. NO ONE KNOWS. Or maybe, like me, you began to give hints to those you trust the most. They help at times sure. But it’s not those times that consume the teetering. On that edge. For some it happens only occasionally. Life crud just gets in the way, right? And for others it becomes Extreme.

The car came within a parking spot’s distance away as she veered to her right, slowing down to pick us up, and from where I was teetering, I easily could have taken that One Step.

But I didn’t.

I don’t recall the exact in the moment reasons that I didn’t step onto the Street of Death that day. But I can tell you this … I knew I was missing something. I KNEW.

So as time passed by and my depression sucked my spirit in more and more, I began to give up on all hope of finding real joy for life. But I never stopped asking …

“What is next? What IS next?

The teetering of the Edge of Everything that I tell you about that day would repeat itself in one form or another at other moments; and each time I never took that step. I knew that there had to be more. I felt that I should just slam to my knees everytime and stop the madness, but I couldn’t do it. The knees would have to wait. They’d have to wait until the SOUL KNEW.

The other side was something I had no true idea about, but I knew that I had to know. Because if I took that step to the other side of the Edge… where would I be?

Happy? Eternallly?
Non-existant? Eternally?
In pain still? Eternally?

I knew those were the only three possiblities. So I HAD to find out more in my soul. Ultimately THAT is what stopped me from taking THAT STEP and the others to follow.

And so I went on a search for Eternity.
And I looked EVERYWHERE while EVERYTHING was screaming in my mind.
There was only one Eternity, after all my searching and wandering, that panned out true. Nothing else made sense. Nothing else was without fault. NOTHING else answered my soul questions.

I tried everything until my Everything changed.
Realizing that falling to my knees before Jesus was the only thing that would give me joy and hope and love and truth, I fell. And the Edge became this beautiful place where it didn’t matter who loved me, beause He did.
I KNEW.

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16 thoughts on “The Edge of Everything: The One Thing That Brought Me To My Knees {NO ONE KNEW}

  1. CharleneMcD says:

    Thank you for this post. I have so many family and friends that walk that Edge of Everything line. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming just hoping and praying that something that I have said isn’t the thing that pushes them over the edge. I have to step back and remember all I can do is loved support them, I can not make their choices for them. So again, thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      I want to thank you, Charlene, for sharing your reality as a beloved bystander. It takes massive courage to stand with those who suffer the extreme, to love them, to give every conversation to God.

      Like

  2. Susan Irene Fox says:

    Oh, Heather, this is such familiar territory. I don’t walk that edge anymore, but I have before, many times. Until I found the One who holds my hand. The One who whispers to me, face to face, knees to knees, tears to tears. The One who reminds me I’m never alone. He is why I will never walk that edge again. This was a beautiful connection to make with those who continue to walk that edge all too often. There is One who knows, and he’s reaching out even now.

    Bless you, Heather.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Equipping The Saints says:

    I am glad that you made the right decision. I have a lot of stress on my mind, almost daily.What I do frequently is to pray, “God, please help me!” You are very important to me, and to many other people who have ever known. I am very glad that you came into my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mrteague says:

    This parallels my experience in some ways. I felt like I lived on the edge of the drain. Life was passing by as it was sucked down an existential hole & threatened to take me with it. Only knowing Jesus loved me stopped the drain & saved me. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. writerwannabe763 says:

    Mine wasn’t to step in front of a car…but to take those pills…and I guess “my soul’ knew that I didn’t really want to do it and what I took was not enough…. hard to relive those thoughts, but it’s not something we ever forget totally….Diane

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Barbie says:

    I understand, I’ve walked that road of being on the Edge of Everything. Thoughts of “they would be better off without me” creeping in, lies believing. I am so thankful that God continue sot reach out and save me. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens says:

      He has conquered those thoughts, amen. I try to immediately hold captive and give to God any thought that is not my soul’s own. I learned to quit claiming and entertaining them. It is not easy, but as you say He is continually there. Thankfully!

      Like

  7. Dawn Boyer says:

    Heather,

    I had to stop and re-read the line about the middle space a few times. Just the pausing made me consider the depth of the words. This is a soul-defining moment, this middle space we teeter within. Whichever way we lean takes us down a path that is literally the polar opposite of the other direction. Yet, even in that, we are not out of His grip. Especially in that place, we are never far from the extension of His reach.

    Your words are bringing freedom. Keep telling the story, friend.
    I am so glad you followed that knowing to the place where you fell off the edge into Jesus, there is no better place to land is there?

    Blessings,
    Dawn

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Planting Potatoes says:

    Heather – thank you for sharing this – I can relate! I did take that step – so to speak. But even then, God didn’t let me die – despite myself – now I know that God loves us despite ourselves – our insecurities, out pain, our natures – he wants us no matter what – even when we don’t know (or don’t want to believe) that he wants us. Let’s not ever stand on the edge again okay? :) God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

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