I Dreamed of Dad… in the Silence: Missing Love Can’t Be Fixed

It’s Wee AM in the morning. Thunder rumbles and my tears fall; rain falls and my heart rumbles. I couldn’t stop the ferocious flood of tears as I Iie here wide awake if I wanted to. It’s been a bad Monday. One of those days where bedtime just doesn’t come soon enough. But I felt God in everything. Even when I let my anger over something BIG that was perpetrated in our daughter’s life get the best of me today. Even when my fatigue was burdening my walking… and breathing. Even when financial bumps became evident. Even when the … you get the picture. It’s probably not unlike some days you’ve had in your life. But He’s always there in the midst.

I found myself crying just now in the Wee AM, though – hard … so hard in fact that I couldn’t breathe without gasping. I miss him. I dreamed about him last night. I was found in this rainy night to be reminded of that dream. I let myself reflect on it actually. Something I didn’t let myself do last night when I awoke.

My dad. In my dream he was alive and had been for several years. {My dad took his own life when I was only 9 years old. 35 years… I’ve missed him.

I started singing a song to God in the middle of the flood of tears. Because when my heart hurts that bad I must get in God’s lap. I have to. There have been many of these lap tears in my life. From my dad’s death to my severe depression and hatred of life in my younger years to the night I was told my husband might die in the ER. This cry… this feeling … was a bit different though. I’ve had it before. A couple of times. Always after I dream about him.

I am crying just as hard in my dream. We hug. Tight. Like I’ve never felt before. It feels so incredibly real.

“Dad, you are alive!”

{Typing is HARD right now. Can’t see well through the flow of tears.}

Oh how I’ve missed him. My daughter and husband never met him. I barely knew him. But yet, I did. I saw his pain. I saw his anguish. One of the last memories I have is of him crying on my shoulder. That’s a burdened heart no child should endure. I would give anything to have fixed him. But I could not. No one here could.

I wanted a different life. But instead I withdrew into my own brokenness.

I know I am a lot like him in so many ways. I pray that I will see him again some day. And I hope I can really hug him. Hard.

There’s this… Yes… I am still crying.
If I had a super power… it would be to fix.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you…

“FIX YOU” by Cold Play {2005}

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23 thoughts on “I Dreamed of Dad… in the Silence: Missing Love Can’t Be Fixed

  1. Anthony Baker says:

    I miss my dad, maybe because he was the one I counted on to “fix” everything. There are many days I wish I was NOT the man of the house, but still the son, just doing what my daddy told me to do. I miss his leadership, his calmness, the feeling that everything would work out when he was in charge. So, I can’t say I truly understand your pain, but I have an idea. I’m just glad this life isn’t all there is, aren’t you?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Oh Anthony, I am so very glad this life isn’t all there is. So much so that I long for the next deep, deep in my soul. I spent many years painfully considering if I’d see him in Heaven. I talked with my grandmother about it in the last decade or so, and she says my dad did accept Christ and was baptized. He surely is there waiting.

      Like

  2. Simply Beth says:

    I am so sorry for your sadness, Heather. These are powerful words for us to remember, “I would give anything to have fixed him. But I could not. No one here could.” And not that I feel a need to “fix” my own father but too often I allow his imperfections to keep me from loving him the way I should. Meaning . . . I have built up expectations that of course he will not always meet. It is not my role to change him but to look inward and ask God to change my own heart. How sad it would be to miss out on simply extending love to him.
    Sending hugs your way.
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      My heart is so with yours in that, Beth.

      (I’m awake again. 2 1/2 hours of sleep isn’t good news for me, but I’m just too heavy to sleep I guess.)

      I have felt the same way about people I love … that it is not my role to change them… no matter how badly they need or want a change.

      Extend that love while you can, my dear, dear friend. That love is what moves mountains.

      Hugs right back. I feel them. 💕

      Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      I probably never did mourn properly at age 9. And through the depression years, I didn’t do much of anything properly. I think it’s been easier to not think on it since then. The dream. It was so real. Like I had in my teen years and a couple times since then. Those first few were extremely haunting. Me trying to save him from dying in the first two I recall. Very strange.
      You might have hit on something there, Caroline.

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      • bunnyb1802 says:

        Maybe, if you feel able, ask God if He is wanting to do something with this? Perhaps God wants to bring you comfort, to bring healing where there is pain from this?
        I’ll be praying my friend. Grief doesn’t have to be fresh to still hurt & devastate. Let’s seek God for comfort & healing for your poor hurting heart. X

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ceil says:

    Hi Heather! I have that image of you and your father in my mind as I write this. Wow. That is an incredible burden and memory to have as a young person…well, even as an adult child. How do you process something like that, when you really have no tools at that age?

    I am so sorry for your rough Monday, I hope that whatever is brewing in your daughter’s life settles soon. I will add you and her to my prayers. You have a lot on your heart, but I know that you have a lot in your soul too, in God, and he will come to comfort you through your friends and in their prayers.
    May God bless you with his healing balm today,
    Ceil

    Liked by 1 person

  4. passagethroughgrace says:

    Your deep sadness gave you the gift of remembering your dad and feeling his presence so near. Your tears, heavy heart and overall terrible day were needed to allow God to scoop you up and let you know that He carries all hurt and always love even when it’s hard to feel at that moment. My heart hurts with you but the image of you singing and sitting in your Father’s lap was beautiful. I will continue to pray for you and all that have these kind of days and need God’s love to get them through the night! Blessings, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mary Gemmill says:

    Heather- I am glad you know Abba Father who has you tucked up safely and securely under His wing….wrapping you in arms of warmth and love; the Father who will remain with you for eternity, caring more deeply for you than you could ever imagine. May Holy Spirit Comforter be very real to you, now and always.
    In a time of deep grief, God told me I couldn’t feel JOY until I had admitted PAIN. You have acknowledged your pain, so my prayer for you is that you will also know JOY so complete and running over that it will satisfy Your soul and pour out into all whom you love.
    Prayerfully,
    Mary. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. nataliescarberry says:

    Bless your heart. This really touched me in so many ways. Mostly because I spend so many nights in tears as well. Chronic pain is so difficult to deal with. I lift you up and lay you at the foot of Christ’s cross, Heather, and ask that healing and mercy be yours! Hugs and blessings, Natalie :)

    Liked by 1 person

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