Conversations with the Enemy and God: Faith in the Midst of Chronic Pain

The last several days have been hard. So I’m doing something very different here. I’ve felt God leading me to do this for a while now… I’m answering as I feel this is the time.

Let me invite you into the inner parts of my soul. Conversations within myself … with the flesh and the enemy in the attack and then…

God’s voice. Ever. So. Clear.

This is a conversation… a war of words at times… as I live inside this unexplained pain. It is chronic. It is surprising. It has no pattern. Fibromyalgia is caused by many things. But it is much like many other “silent” illnesses in that it’s silent to the rest of the world… except the one who’s dealing with it.

This is how this goes for me. You may recognize some of it. As you read this… know in your heart that while it is heavy for me ~ a pressed down, stood upon, flattened kind of heavy ~ that I am still in His embrace. I still trust. His joy is MY strength.

And because I know that I have joy even when I feel down.

****

Jesus, I remember. In this pain, I remember.

{My tears run slowly along the time worn lines of my face. A face so familiar with crying that it hugs each tear. I can nearly hear them sliding down to my neck where they collect in a pool that He scoops up with loving care as only He can do.}

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This pain that shoots through my chest … muscles tensed… the pain like lightening… makes taking a breath hard. But You are my breath. I breathe You in. How could I love You so extreme? How can I love you so much it hurts? But that is a good pain. This body pain is drowned out by that great ache of loving You.

 

You, I love you my child. I am the Comfort you need. Your desire will be filled by Me.

My desire is to be in Your plan, Lord. I know healing … intimately. I trust You in the storm. My life is so much storm. I could ask “why”? But why? Your storm was much worse than my own. And… You healed me of the major depression that nearly sucked the life out of me for 20 years. I will never forget. Never. So what is in this? This pain that has now started to shoot wildly into my neck? And the dull ache in my legs? What do I do with the migraines? The memory interruption so scary that I can’t recall words, God? Me! I’ve got entire enormity to share with others, Father … but in the middle I forget common words? Me! What do I when it hurts to stand longer than 15 minutes? When I can’t enjoy the day with my family? What about the times I am so fatigued that even lifting my arm is pure struggle? What about the jittery nerves? I can’t sleep good or at all some nights. Jesus. I can only get Your name out I’m so tired. Jesus. Jesus.

 

I hear you. You know that I am here. It hurts Me to see you hurt. But You know I am here. That which I allow is for a purpose. Your purpose. I will heal you.

I remember those years ago. Lying on my bed crying out Your name. Reaching for You. I felt Your presence. The pain, the hatred, the fear, the anguish… all ran away screaming because they couldn’t stay in your presence. Just like then, today I trust Your presence. Today, I trust in Your plan. This pain will not stop me. I’m healed. I am a child of God. And until this healing manifests, my trust is in You.

 

My grace is sufficient for you, my child. I’ve got this. This is never in vain. I will turn to good what is meant by your enemy as bad. I will restore this part of your life too.

{The tears have subsided. The pain has moved around my chest and has lightened. My left leg is so tense and jittery and filled with an ache. But I feel my body relaxing and the pain is leaving.}

I’m lying here alone in the dark. My husband is sleeping in the extra bedroom. He cares so much for me that he wants me to have no interruptions in sleep once I finally get there. This pain has interrupted life in so many ways. I appreciate deeply his concern for me, his helping me to sleep better and to feel better. But I’m lonely. He’s been by my side for 20 years. The pain affects intimacy, and I’m afraid, Jesus. What if our marriage suffers because of the pain. It has before from the other pain I’ve been through. We’ve worked hard to keep our marriage together. Please do not let this pain separate what we’ve dedicated to You.

{The tear flood returns. I’m missing him.}

 

You’ve already given Me your marriage. I will protect it. It means that much to Me. I will comfort you both and give you My peace.

{I have turned positions about 5 times in probably 3 minutes. Comfort. I need comfort. But I trust the pain will leave.}

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Maybe I’ll bless others while speaking about it as someone who has been healed and isn’t just demanding it of my God, yet trusting You will heal me. Maybe some people need to hear that. Maybe when I am healed people will be clinging to hope because of seeing it happen. Maybe until then what if someone is hurting and needs my soul’s embrace. And what about all those people – Christ Followers – who need to understand that debilitating and chronic illness is deceiving because it has all its limbs and mind and wears no outward sign. Compassion can be taught through this. You’ve shown it to me deeply. Now I can share compassion with others.

 

I will bless many through you. I will bless you, my daughter. I love you.

And that is exactly what my soul and my mind and my body need to hear.

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*******

Three doctors think my Sympathethic nervous system is “on” all the time. Hormones are jacked up. Heavy metals and toxicity, like for most Americans, have probably played a roll too. Perimenopause, sure it is problematic; but many symptoms can be traced back to my teen years or before. So medication to control the nervous system amounts to anti-depressants and muscle relaxers.

As many problems as I’ve had with meds in my life and my husband too (awful), I’m just not up for it unless I got to the point I couldn’t walk. Some days are hard (walking is difficult, but certainly doable) and some days are good. The pain is unpredictable but responds to exercise well, deep tissue massage therapy and chiropractic care. I’m just having to wait to afford it. The tests don’t technically diagnose Fibro. They just ruled out MS, major arthritis inflammation, and a host of other life threatening things. My main doctor says they diagnose Fibro by ruling out the other things. Next stop neurologist. Not likely on my budget. But again if that’s meds then I’m waiting anyway.

I trust God. He miraculously healed me of the brain disease and major depression when I was 27. I’d be silly not to trust Him now. I’d be lost not to follow Him.

Trust in Him Dear Hearts.
Live blessed,
Heather

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23 thoughts on “Conversations with the Enemy and God: Faith in the Midst of Chronic Pain

  1. Susan Irene Fox says:

    Sweet Heather, you are on my prayer list. This is a beautiful, private conversation. I am honored and humbled to be a recipient of its sharing. He does walk with us in our pain; He does care for us deeply; He does heal us; He is more faithful and loving than we will ever understand. Bless you, my friend.

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  2. Annie B says:

    Thank you dear Sister…for sharing your peace and the angst that tries to take it away…so thankful you are so filled with Jesus. It doesn’t make it all easy, by any means, but it sure does help one to understand His peace – the kind that does indeed surpass all human understanding – doesn’t it?

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  3. bunnyb1802 says:

    It’s heart-rending to read this conversation and to get a snap shot of a moment of your pain, my friend. I had no idea fibro could be like this.
    I’m praying for you, Heather and I’m praying the lines of communication remain wide open between you and God so that He continues to encourage you to hold on.
    Thank you for being brave in your sharing and brave in your life.
    Praying for you and your husband too, for your closeness to remain.

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  4. Barbie says:

    Heather, I am praying for you, that you will experience His healing touch again. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia several years back. I would say my case is mild. No meds, and I can walk, although I do hurt. I can’t dance like I use to. But I am thankful that it hasn’t been debilitating for me. You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

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  5. poetry joy says:

    Heather, I feel your heartache and share the tears, just as I share Fibro. It can be so soul destroying to live with constant pain and fatigue, can’t it? You describe here so well what is true for me too by experience. This sweet-sad conversation you have with the Lord is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I want to believe for healing to come and on my best days I still do.
    But after over 20 years with M.E, fibro (and other health challenges on top) I am too weary at times to think straight, never mind pray aright. Your words give me further hope and encouragement for healing to come, and a renewed belief that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
    Coming alongside you in prayer as we reach out to others who also need His healing touch. He is already using us in our pain and weakness. God bless you for sharing your heart and freeing others to share theirs. Gentle sympathy **Hugs** to you, friend. :) x

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    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Oh sweet, sweet dear, I hear and feel your soul deep words. I am glad we walk this together. We were never meant to do life alone as His children.

      As we pray for each other, let is pray also for His divine plan in minute detail to shine clear so that we may bless many and many may bless us.
      God bless you as you share all of yourself.
      I’m not sure if you read my newest post from yesterday, but I’m taking a bit of hiatus. I’m pressing in for health and to finish my book.
      It’s time. :)
      {{HUGS}} to you, my friend.
      XX

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  6. Traci says:

    I saw your post on facebook today because one of my friends liked it, so it showed up in my newsfeed. That got me curious and I wanted to learn more about what you are going through. I also have fibromyalgia and I think it’s pretty severe because I am nearly homebound and cannot tolerate medicines (adverse side effects). I am a Christian but am getting quite discouraged as the pain is taking over everything. I sure cried when I read the part about you having to sleep in another room as your husband and how it concerns you for your marriage because these are realities in my life as well. I will try to follow your posts because I see you are an encourager and have great faith, both of which I am needing. Take care.

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    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Traci,
      I’d love to correspond with you via email. Yes, I’m going slow too… and I know you mentioned in another message that you were having surgery. So I’ll email you soon. I’m praying for you. I’m honored to do so.

      I’ll be sharing soon this treatment. It has begun to help! It’s all natural and bio identical. I know those others meds wreak havoc! We don’t have a anxiety med deficiencies or anti desires slant deficiencies … we have true deficiencies and problems – so that is why I choose all natural every time possible. Big Pharma Meds have their place in certain instances but they are a last resort for me.

      I look forward to getting to know you.
      Blessings to you new friend,
      Heather

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      • Traci says:

        . Starting that healing process now from yesterday’s surgery. Looking forward to your upcoming post regarding your natural treatment choices. Thanks Heather.

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