When Your Soul Cries Out in Tears

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Last night. The pain was worse. It was bad. In fact, I started this post then …

I can’t even get comfortable laying here hoping to go to sleep. I don’t want this to ruin our family plans tomorrow. Well in a few hours actually since it’s after midnight.

I cry. The tears from pain ~ physical and emotional and yes, spiritual ~ flood the curves of my face. He catches them. I NEED Him to catch them. That keeps me a grateful soul.

You. Yes, you. If your week has been difficult in so many ways, love your own heart. It’s okay to cry. Never apologize to anyone for your tears. They are full of life. Your soul is flowing out and that’s never anything to be sorry about.

I’ve heard from so many of you, dear Hearts. You may never know how much, just how much, that means to me. I have had a great many encourage me to chronicle this illness ~ this Fibromonster ~ and I’ve sought The Lord on that very thing. I believe He wants me to share this journey, but still not make it a complete focus here.

We were not made to complain. We were made to love and with love comes trust and grace.

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Why, oh why, have I complained so many times in my life. Why do we do this? Because we fall? We can hush our tongues so as to speak on the behalf of Grace. Forgive us, precious Jesus.

I believe I am supposed to bless others until my healing comes, like I’ve been healed before. I know there is always a blessing in every messing.

So as I insert these posts about it, I pray you never lose sight of my vision… to encourage and love as He works through my heart to yours. But I’m going to very honest. Very. About the pain on the bad days as well as the good days. Yesterday morning was good after two and half days of all over muscle and nerve pain. Then last night… Numbness in a large spot on my back ~ like I can barely feel it when I touch it with my hand. Strange.

Last night I slept. But still pain and tingling this morning. I was mad last night. Yes. Mad. Not a feeling-sorry-for-myself kind of mad, because others in this world have it far worse than I do. Not a why-me kind of mad, because I’m human living in a fallen world and illness is a human thing.

But an “I’ve got too much to do and I don’t spend enough time in the Word and in my calling” kind of mad at myself mad. “This pain slows me down” kind of mad.

Me. Yes, Me, in my too-near-self-pitty while praying and believing and asking for answers state of mind. YOU know how this faith thing works, Heather. Be mad. Get it out. Get it over with. But TRUST. Because you KNOW how this faith thing works.

#preachingtomyself

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I know that isn’t true, but the attacks from people ~ calling themselves my brothers and sisters in Christ ~ this past year have been hard on my spirit. People I trusted. People I felt safe with. People who drew love and encouragement and mentoring from me. The stress of each one of the 3 or 4 probably hit my body too, because I tend to absorb stress in a different way then I did before we went through the tragedy of the last 5 years.

We just came out of recent bankruptcy after my husband nearly died of meningitis and was out of work for 23 months. God turned it all around and 1 year to the date of the bankruptcy, last August, we bought a home. We know it is His home. Where our hearts can just BE.

I rarely get outwardly stressed. I know how this faith thing works. But my body takes it in. Probably that is a huge factor in the messed up sympathetic nervous system which is the most likely cause of this Fibro. Add hormone disruption and imbalance {age, vitamin D deficiency, and years of the junk in our food and product supply here … yeah, I won’t go there in this post. :) }, and there’s a recipe for a disastrous nervous system going mad house ahead like an out of control steam engine.

Anyway, these handful of “people” situations I mentioned just made me think “Is having this life vision, this mission to love, worth it?”

Of course I prayed over all of it and sought God each time. Not just one prayer. But many and responded accordingly. Sometimes waiting weeks before attempting. God revealed to me details in each one of those situations exactly what I could fix and exactly what convicted them to choose to treat me the way they did.

I’m not going tell you they didn’t hurt my heart. They hurt. Badly. But He has shown me that my calling to live and encourage must not depend on positive things, because in His plan things might get difficult. Jesus never promised “easy”.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

So I take heart!

And I take it with me into everything. I’m all for living ALL IN when it comes to living out His plan. So I press on.

And when it comes to this blog and my books,

I write for that one… that the One gives to my heart.

My words are for Him and by Him only and where He takes those words is up to Him. You see my writings have been going on for a few years, but only after He called me to write 10 years ago.

Oh, I wrote, because I was practically born writing. But I never shared. And when I knew the time was right… His time… I answered His call to share. My heart has grown so big with the Hearts He gave me to encourage and love that I thought I couldn’t maybe handle it. But I did…

Because with His heart wrapped around mine, I can handle anything.

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Dearest Jesus, I am grateful to share soul-deep what you have told me to share.

What you told me through 25 years of brain disease and depression.

What you told me through the miraculous healing of both when I was 27.

What you told me when you healed my husband on that hospital table lying naked and cold because they did not know what was killing him.

What you told me when you called me to raise my daughter in a very different way then most Christians are raising their children.

What you told me when you called me to use my mouth for better things ~ YOU.

I truly get what it means to live ALL IN as You have called me to live ALL IN. As You have called all of us to live ALL IN.

I AM A GRATEFUL SOUL.
I’m grateful for allowing Him to work ALL IN in my life. I’m grateful He allows me to be me in His plan.

My life is all about that very thing. And it shall not ever have been lived in vain.

Much love, Dear Hearts, Much love,

Heather

I’d love for you to live and love #ALLIN with me. Heart deep. Would you join me on FB and Twitter at the links at the top of this page? I’d be so honored to walk this #GratefulSoul life with you. {And you can get my personal emails ~ heart all-over-the-place good! ~ at the link to the right.}

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18 thoughts on “When Your Soul Cries Out in Tears

  1. bunnyb1802 says:

    Oh my dear friend, I’m so sorry about the pain. But you know, I appreciate you not being afraid to be real about it, how much it hurts, how it makes you feel and the discussions you have with yourself and God as a result of it.

    I’m sure I speak for many when I say I wish you didn’t have to go through this but, whilst God works out your healing in the way He choses (so easy for me to say, so hard for you to live through), your honesty speaks volumes into other lives including mine.

    To read of your struggles, whilst emanating from different sources than mine, and how your self-talk and faith cause you to believe that God can use ALL of this for His glory and reach those that God told you to minister to, encourages me to continue being real, being honest about life and faith and the nitty gritty of being a human being with all our frailties, issues, hopes, dreams and failings.

    It’s tempting sometimes to write the “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam and everything’s great, Hallelujah” style posts and nothing else (not that there is anything wrong with those posts when it’s real, genuine). But being real, being honest about pain, loss, hurt – that takes courage.

    God bless you my friend.
    Praying relief for you.
    X

    Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Sweet sweet sweet Caroline. You have blessed me into His light and love!

      You’ve also hit on something in your last paragraph I’m writing about. Delicately. ;)

      If I’m not “real” for Him… Then I’m done… and He knows… I’m not done!

      I covet – in a good way! – your prayers dear friend. I know He hears them.
      God bless you.
      HUGS… Across the oceans blue.

      Like

  2. Lynn Mosher says:

    Oh, sweet Heather, I’m so sorry others have shot arrows at your precious heart. But you go girl! We are so close in so many ways in our experiences. Be encouraged, my precious friend! You ARE a blessing and I pray the Lord blesses your socks off in return!

    Like

  3. Barbie says:

    Oh friend, my momentary and light afflictions are nothing compared to the cross you are carrying. I will continue to pray for you. What a blessing that out of bankruptcy you were able to buy a home. We have piles of debt and haven’t filed yet. My husband’s body is breaking down, so many years in construction. We doubt we’ll ever buy a house. I try not to try to look into the future. It appears bleak, but I know with God it will be beautiful. Hugs and thank you so much for your encouraging words today.

    Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Dear Barbie,
      No affliction is light from this world. Yours matter as much. Even in the quiet moments when you are the only one to hear your tears fall. He hears.

      I’m praying for you as well. Together we can walk this road. Together.

      Much love. Much.

      Like

  4. writerwannabe763 says:

    Sometimes it’s easier than other times to shake off the hurt caused by people close to us. When the hurt goes deep into our very soul and spirit it is very hard… but eventually God will help it to dissipate in importance and I pray that for you and for peace… I pray for your physical well-being and success in your endeavours with your book…Diane

    Like

  5. Karrilee Aggett says:

    I love you. I love that we are neighbors over at Holley’s place today… I love that you are choosing joy and life and grace – determined and focused on choosing again and again and again! Praying with you for complete healing, rest, relief, and energy to focus on what He has planned for you in each day!

    Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Karrilee, I love you too. I connect with you over most other bloggers. I think maybe it’s because you are really full of life and joy. True joy. You appreciate all the little things in life. It’s obvious and I love that. You live a testimony instead of just setting out to do a testimony.
      I just got home. I’m headed to read your post first!!
      Thank you for your prayers for me. I feel them. <3

      Like

  6. Sheila at Longings End says:

    Bless your heart. What a testimony. Thanks for sharing openly and here’s to God’s mercy flooding your body with relief. Praying for you this Mother’s Day…to enjoy. Thank you again. And God bless you…

    Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Sheila,
      I count it God’s beautiful grace that He sends the loveliest words flowing from Hearts like you. That is part of my healing and a part I feel so needed. That you go to The Lord on a {virtual} strangers behalf is grace filled love. Thank you. Bless your sweet heart.

      Like

  7. Mary Gemmill says:

    wow- you have been through a lot!
    BUT- do you know- the people who are able to help others the most are those who have been through most- I have found this to be true over and over again.
    Any time you need extra prayer- send me a msg on FB and I will be honoured to lift you up to the throne of Grace.
    someone posted this recently- may it bless you Heather:
    I am the God of hope, even when everything you love and live for appears to be drowning. When you can’t swim any longer, I am your lifesaver. I am the author of your life who can rewrite and transform any tragedy to triumph. I am the one who will work all things together for your good even when it appears all has gone bad. When you don’t know what to do, be still long enough to allow Me to calm the storm in your heart and part the sea that seems to lie in the way of My promises for you. If you will wait on Me, you will witness My wonders!

    Love,
    Your Father of miracles

    Like

    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Beautiful! Beautiful!! When I was going through my depression and brain disease 25 years ago {yes, I have been down a long winding road. ;) }, I used to write poetry. It included what I felt like… Like I could barely keep my head above water to breath. And then …He lifted me up and held me so I could breathe.

      And then… He healed me. Completely. In an instant.

      Part of that is on my blog under the Our Story tab if you’d like to read it.

      You have no idea what it means to have your offer of prayer. I can’t even put into words how much my soul appreciates that.

      I always say what you did… I’m honored to take another’s needs to the throne, to the lap of Jesus.

      Much love to you,
      Heather

      Like

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