Bittersweet-mess: Finding Love When You Look


Father’s Day… Bittersweetness.

{My phone’s auto correct tried to type bittersweet mess. That’s more like it to be honest.}

I lost my father to the beast that is suicide when I was 9 years old. That same beast took hold of his father when my father was a teen. That monster knocked on the door of my life when I was young too. If you haven’t read about that then I invite you too read that as a partner to this post. {It’s been a VERY popular post this last week since my friend, Walter, shared it on his blog. Thank you, Walter. You bless me with those God-hugs I do cherish!} I know many … far too many … relate to what I went through. I share the story to share the Hope.

So I’ve reflected this past week in the knocking. I don’t have my father in my life because he answered that ominous knock.

I miss him.

Especially this past week. His birthday would have been this month too. No celebration. No hugs.

But … that hole left in my heart was filled by the same Love that stood at the same door in my life knocking. Knocking at the same time. I just answered Him instead. I let Him in instead of death.

He also filled my heart with a new dad while I live here on this side of Heaven. One that has been there for me and my child. That new dad gave us more love.

I am thankful I saw God as my true Father who loved me into this world, that He gave me one dad who loved me in the first part of my life, and that He gave me a second dad to love me in the second part of my life.

I miss him. But the victory over the beast brought me more love than I could ever dream of knowing.

When you are tempted to over-grieve, dwell in the muck, stay in the past …

Live in the present with your eyes on the King.

You’ll see the Love that is streaming into your life. All you have to do is look.

Live Blessed,




14 thoughts on “Bittersweet-mess: Finding Love When You Look

  1. mrteague says:

    I am so sorry about your dad. So sad. But I am also happy for the ways your Father has brought redemption into your life. To paraphrase you–Eyes on the prize (Jesus)!


  2. Vinodhini says:

    Hi Heather,

    So Nice to know you, and I read a little about you… And I have a little in common.. Though my experience is miniscule…

    I’ve been into depression, I have hurt parents…. I searched for love, and when I got married, I made my husband into my Idol which almost was about to ruin my marriage… I made a lot of mistakes but God in all his grace and mercy found me!!

    My marriage was healed by co-blogger April Cassidy – I just can’t thank God enough for using internet for his purposes…

    Now like your quote says— “When a life is touched, a life is changed.

    Sometimes that life is changed so drastically that it must speak.”

    I can’t stop speaking God’s love!! And the hope it promises to everyone who believe!!! What an amazing quote this is!!

    Nice meeting you!!



    • Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer says:

      Hello Vinodhini,
      Thank you so very much for sharing here and also on my Facebook page. I appreciate the conversation so much. You are a blessing. And you are right … we can be thankful for how God works everywhere… even the internet. He cares deeply for each of us and our sharing together is another form of sharing His love.
      Bless you dear lady,


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